Monday, September 24, 2007

Group Ride Cast

A typical group ride cast of characters:

1. The Gap Creator. This rider will fight you for every wheel and as soon as you give up and let him have it he immediately creates a gap. He is then unwilling and/or unable to close that gap, forcing the riders behind him to come around and close the gap.

2. The Complainer. No matter what happens on the ride, this rider is unhappy and tells everyone how unhappy he is. Too many attacks, not enough attacks, no one wants to pull, I'm the only one pulling, pacelines are stupid etc.

3. The Directeur Sportiff. This rider tells everyone else what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Start a paceline, counter-clockwise, clockwise. Green light, red light.

4. The Finisher. Rarely takes a pull and seldom attacks, but through effective pack management, this rider always finishes the ride.

5. The Sprinter. Only seen at the sprints, this rider sweeps around from the back of the group to contest any and all sprints. Prompting other riders to exclaim "where the hell have you been!"

6. Java-Man. This rider starts the ride with a coffee or shot of espresso and then after the first surge comments that what he really wants is a cup of coffee. His sole reason for riding is the post-ride coffee.

7. The Surger. This rider has the ability to sit in the group anywhere he chooses and then surges to the front, drops the hammer and leaves everyone scrambling to catch up. He doesn't stay away, rather he sits up and lets the group catch him. He then fades to the back of the group only to do the same thing a short while later.

It takes all kinds... have a good ride.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey aren't these all mostly negative characters?

Chris said...

You forgot da hammer. Go to the front and pull the group for 48 of the 62 miles it takes to go from Evanston around the cemetery and back. But I don't know him from experience or anything.

fasterjim said...

Chris- Ha, ha.

Anon- YEah, i guess I did focus on some of the negative characters.

baughb said...

Mmmmmmmmm.......... Java!

chiefhiawatha said...

The Gap Creator:?
The Complainer: Menna
The Director Sportif: Zionts
The finisher: Ortega
The Sprinter: ?
Java Man: Isaac et al
The Surger: Shaer

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the shout out Chris.

Signed,

Not You

Anonymous said...

Here are some other categories we have on the other rides:

tiny bubbles-this is the 119lb climber that hates the fact that we have no climbs. He stills counts the grams though, for that annual trip to Mt. Lemon.

80's night-overweight, neon jersey, one hitter in pocket, white socks, black shoes, steel is real, hairy legs.

yoga boy-stretchin' til we roll out, snabbin' on the one, unclipping in the paceline to get that hammy real loose...etc.

dirty sam-clean your fuckin' drivetrain for the love of god.

squeaky pete-oil caaaan....oil caaaan. After a violent effort this guy will chat you up as if you can't hear his 105 clankbox.

no-call, no show-this bastard will let you hit a parked landscaping truck if you're not lookin', but he'll let you know when you need to pull thru.

single speed steve-skinny as a hipster, spinning a 36x27 up Tower.

once in a while kyle-sure you're strong today.......

pony shop mechanics.

chicken shit mulrooney-4 length gap for safety at all times. White knuckle break thru all corner...CAR UPPPPP!!!!!!

4am earl-if you're up while Showtime is still showing dry humping, you need to get some more sleep.

gams greg-making the most out of shop windows on Chicago Ave...ride to be scene.

off road ollie-you cleared that crack by 3 feet on that last bunny hop.

industry ian-is insider information insightful or insipid?

tommy teammate-only cold stares unless you've got the wares.

Gizmo McGillicutty-Carbon water bottles, battery operated foot warmers, LeMond wedge, drilled out spokes, carbon derailleur prototype from Interbike, aero helmet, puts his penis in a white castle hamburger box.

ol' Scotty-he dodn't ride.

Carl Correction-If you correct my pronouciation of one more pro riders name, i'm going to kill you.

signed,

ABR World's Committee